If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
All great truths begin as blasphemies. -George Bernard Shaw
I am not a pessimist; to perceive evil where it exists is, in my
opinion, a form of optimism.
- Roberto Rossellini
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history" - Dan Quayle -
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better
lawyer." - Robert Frost -
They may call me weak. They may call me scrawny. I prefer to think of
myself as a Gap commercial candidate. (John Gephart)
If I were ever on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?", I'd use my lifeline
to call Ben Stein. Not only does he know just about everything, but it
would make Regis look like a wuss for not having the guts to put HIS own
money on the line. (Kevin Cecil)
If dolphins are so smart, then how come they're always winding up in tuna
nets? Personally, I think they just really like the attention. "Help
me! Help me! I'm a just poor dolphin." Manipulative little intelligent
freaks. (Dakota Shepard)
Remember, there's no "I" in "TEAM" -- but there *is* an "EAT ME" if
you're willing to use the "E" twice. (Lewis Shiner)
"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college
education, while on the outside some people can only afford these
things through a life of crime!"
"How come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss
America?"
"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"
"The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money
the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect." --
Sam Ewing
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislature, the first things
to be bought and sold are legislators." -- P.J. O'Rourke
The problem is that most corps think of their website as a marketing
endeavor -- like a billboard -- instead of as a front office to their
corporate headquarters. If they thought of their websites as places
where they brought their clients, those websites would be much classier
and elegant and usable -- same as their offices. You don't let your
marketing people run your front office; you shouldn't let your
marketing people run your website.
- Vanessa Layne in a mailing list, 2000-02-14
(capone) The greastest daily innovation of the internet is finding a new
way to suck
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 a throw on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
"There's no avoiding it any longer. I don't like any of my friends. I've
just flicked through my address book, a thin volume, and was filled
with irritation, distaste and an overwhelming sense of boredom. One of
the great boons of living in a city is that you don't need
friends. There are 11 million people within walking distance, a
thousand new people every day for the rest of my life and no need to
repeat anyone. Friends are only necessary in the ghastly country,
where you have to have them, along with rubber boots and a barometer
and secateurs, to put off bucolic idiocy, a wet brain, or eating the
12-bore. Old friends are the worst, people who once shared an office or
a dormitory; the ephemeral reason for liking them is lost in the mists
of time, but convention and habit insist that you remain interested in
their fat wives and unspeakable children and endlessly thwarted
careers, while their hair recedes and their jowls and stories proceed
with all the excitement of declined German verbs. No, I like
acquaintances: a wide circle of faintly familiar people who smile and
wave but whose names escape me. An acquaintance has all the
expectation, desire to please and vivacity of a first date. They flash
wit and compliments and don't expect you to call or go to their
children's weddings."
- A.A. Gill in "Diary", The Spectator, 1 November 1997
Here are the rest of the humorous quotes from the people at Epitaph
records:
"I don't like inviting vegetarians to barbeques. It's like inviting
lesbians to big cock sucking parties." - Kent
"Oatmeal tastes like ass. I know that because I eat ass." - Vanessa
"Anything that can go up my butt is okay. Thongs, butt plugs, whatever."
- Kent
"Finally, a hate crime I'm down with." - Toby
"It's not a date rape drink, it's a romantic cooler." - Jason
1. (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other
to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni
2. "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that
conclusion, anyway?" -- Rich Jeni
3. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our
own jars. -- Jeff Green
4. "Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to
a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger. -- Jeff Green
5. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" -- John Wing
6. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold
my purse.'" -- Francois Morency
7. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals
out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on
fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni
8. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Tim Steeves
9. "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a
black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
-- Franck Dubosc
10. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert
11. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
-- Rich Jeni
12. "I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political
instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec." -- Marta Chaves
13. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine
14. "To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end."
-- Flacco
15. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey
broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't
contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have
trouble distinguishing black from white." -- Tim Steeves
16. "My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good
bagel back home. I said : 'Well, whose fault is that?'" -- Emo Philips
17. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's got
pickle questions?" -- Tim Steeves
18. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got brine
problems that can't wait until morning?" -- Tim Steeves
19. "I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home."
-- Lenny Clarke
20. "My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's
reading." -- Emo Philips
21. "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the
windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." -- Ken Scott
22. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
-- Lenny Clarke
23. "I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to
move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to
relocate? Their house have wheels." -- Carlos Mencia
24. "They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house.
Breakfast, for example. -- Rich Jeni
25. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips
26. "The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is
that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet
him." -- Rich Jeni
27. "Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics."
-- Mike Wilmot
28. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips
29. "I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have chunk of poutine in
my arteries." -- Marta Chaves
30. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." -- Rich Jeni
31. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren
32. "The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key."
-- Ronnie Edwards
33. "Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America -- Nebraska."
-- Carlos Mencia
34. "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive
scrotum!'" -- Jeff Green
35. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative) "It's never
'positive sexual side-effects.' It's never 'gigantism.' is it?"
-- Tim Steeves
36. "What's with the warning 'May contain some nudity?' Well, I have to
know for sure." -- Tim Steeves
37. "And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is
fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and
stinks to high heaven.'" -- Jean-Marie Bigard
38. "When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived,
but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system,
though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had
to pay the inheritance tax." -- Emo Philips
39. "Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts
working on you, go limp and soil yourself." -- Mike Wilmot
40. "In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida,
you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here
and I find out I'm an Eskimo." -- Carlos Mencia
41. "Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh themselves?
So they can see the scale." -- Marta Chaves
42. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves. -- Emo Philips
43. "My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head."
I saw my president get head." -- Elon Gold
44. "I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario. -- after
Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from
Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem." -- Derek Edwards
45. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
-- Kevin James
46. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim)
"I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear."
-- Mike Wilmot
47. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties)
"Just before we go in she turns to me and says, 'Don't drink too much,
don't eat too fast, and...' Oh, man. So why bring me?" (Then on
departing) "She turned to me and said, 'How could you embarrass me
like that in front of all my friends?' So I pointed out to her that
it was *me* who vomited." -- John Ljungberg
48. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." -- Emo Philips
49. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Rich Jeni
50. "Does Tampax really need is own Web site? 'My cramps are killing me.
I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room.'" -- Elvira Kurt