Postal Installment #0019

Happy Holidays - Welcome to Staff Postal

For only the fifth time ever, the staff and volunteers at reveal our "uber-intellect" and "inner workings" to you, our faithful readers. We sometimes discuss information security, world politics, and things that "really matter". Most of the time, we talk about ass sex, Mexican food, and various ways to screw with the assclowns who pollute the security industry with their "dee-dee-dee". Before we proceed, a few words of holiday cheer from us:


It's a chore dealing with the holiday, a bigger chore dealing with the people that celebrate. It's an insult knowing the masses barely remember why they are celebrating, let alone realize their holiday is borrowed from a set of beliefs they frown upon in today's society.

Holidays are about gluttony, both financial and dietary. We throw vast amounts of money to a consumer holiday buying gifts in order to make up for a year of neglect and not being a decent human being. Pushing off some cheap plastic crap to family and friends, just as often to placate our own guilt as anything else.

Ahh, the seasonal holidays. Pass me some scotch and pastries to help me get through this hellish time of year.

Cancer Omega:

Dear Santa,

I usually write you this time of year to let you know what you can do for me. This year is decidedly different as I am now writing to let you know what I can do for you.

Judging by the past year's election and Nobel Prize endowment, it is clear that the people of the world are not only willing to believe in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, but also believe that some unqualified jerkoff with a tan and a funny name deserves a gold medal and a million dollars just for being in office for a mere eleven days. Yes, it is clear that people are willing to suspend all disbelief by wishing something to be true.

This is where you come in, sparky. I'm drafting your wide load ass for the 2012 Presidential Candidacy. Sure, loads of people insist that you don't exist, but I'll make sure I whip up enough sympathetic reporters to malign those folks as "haters" and "anti-North Pole bigots" with a few drive-by pieces. They'll never know what hit 'em.

Let's face it, you're the new man for the job. Nobody knows your real history, everyone ascribes all kinds of positive feel-good things to you based only on what they want to see, and you give all kinds of shit away. The only way you differ from the current administration is that you don't tax the living fuck out of the productive people, and you've got loads more experience and street cred. I tell ya, you could have a second coming of Dan Quayle jackass like Joe Biden as your running mate and people wouldn't give a fuck!

Whoops... scratch that last part. The little fucker's taken. But I hear Adam Lambert's available. That could get us the gay-weirdo-fuckwit vote locked up. Man... can this day get any better?

Enclosed are a few promotional flyers and campaign posters. I'm kind of partial to the "Claus '12: 'Cause you fucktards will believe anything!", but you may prefer the more congenial "Santa for President...or coal in your stocking for the rest of your fucking life!"

I look forward to talking with you soon. Gotta run now. That whole "change" thing has been a bit too literal for me since that's all I've got left of my 401(k).


Cancer Omega
Chairman, Girls-on-Girls Ongoing Party (GOGOP)

P.S. See about shaving off that beard, hah? Makes you look like a damned greenie.

Mage: (aka Sanjay, the attrition intern):

Dear Santa:
Happy Christmas to you! I've been a very good boy this year in that I've stuck to my natural deviance and not caused trouble. So dammit, I deserve some presents! (And besides, you love the goodies I leave out for you when you visit me - so it's a win/win opportunity for us.)

My list for you this year is short and sweet, I'd like:

1. An evening of kinky sex with Inara. Barring that, an evening of regular sex with Inara. Maybe this year? If that's still not possible, how about Tracy Strauss?

2. The full and public disclosure of the ACTA treaty, so we can see exactly how fucked our online rights will be should this thing be enacted.

3. The immediate cessation of the cyberwar hysteria by politicians, pundits, and reporters. Where were you idiots 15 years ago when we first worried about this stuff and could be proactive about how to address things?

4. To see the continued success of the OSF and know that it serves as a transformative force for substantive change in the Internet security world.

And finally, since the holidays are about giving, and not just receiving (contrary to our best and most basic desires, unfortunately) I would like to give my traditional Yuletide Battery Acid Enema (tm) to the following deserving and most worthy people: Bernie Madoff and all those on Wall Street and in Washington who are responsible for this global economic mess we're suffering through as the result of their action or inactions. Extra bags of bliss for those pundits and analysts who are paid to and gladly pontificate about the economy and stocks yet really have no idea what they're talking about. You move markets? This gift will move your innards. Ho Ho Hold it in, bitches.

Peace on earth and free lobotomies for tea-baggers everywhere!


I want a clone of myself, only much more obedient, preferably with a REST-based API. It should be capable of stacking wood, feeding the wood stove at night, coding really dreadful sub-projects, hanging up Christmas tree lights, raking a shit-ton of leaves, entertaining guests, making sushi, and doing other things I'd rather not do but want done. It needs to be solar powered, require little to no downtime, and be responsive to things like, "HEY CLEAN OUT THE GUTTERS, BITCH", or:

"PUT /orders/new <xml><order><type>clean</type><object>gutters</object><message>SUCKA</message></order></xml>".

Failing that, I'll take a Jericho doll that I can regularly punt around the yard and/or drop in the septic tank.


My secular winter solstice wish list:

- The distribution of more "clue bananas" to the fucking morons who still don't get security (this includes the companies that have Marketing Directors respond to vulnerability disclosures).

- More people to help with OSVDB so lyger and jericho won't notice when I slack off so much.

- A Chipotle gift certificate (vegetarian burrito...just like mom used to make).


What can be said about these bloody holidays that hasn't been already?

Santa brought me a new 3GS early, and Isaac Newton helped point out one of its weaknesses. Note to self: display damage isn't covered under the warranty. Fuck you very much, Apple. May Steve Jobs' liver get rejected like a Jersey girl outside a Manhattan night club any night of the week. "Insanely Great" my arse. Anyhow...

Dear Santa,

Serious doubts are arising as to whether you're really bringing the kiddies what they want. Short of me sticking a chainsaw up Rudolph's ass, let's refresh your memory:

Nicolas Cage hasn't been in anything good lately. Would you please ask Aunt Sophia or Uncle Fran to throw him a freaking bone here, people?

Ed Norton. If you don't give Ed Norton's agent some spec-fucking-tacular material, I shit you not, those little zits you call testicles are history.

It's been four years since Claire Danes got something shiny to add to her mantle. A golden globe won't cut it. Either she gets a role worthy of the little gold statue, or Rudolph gets demoted. To sausage. Test me, fat boy.

Need some new toys. Maybe a shiny new sports car. Or a plug-in hybrid sports car. Something fun to make up for this summer's box office releases, which were, at best, mediocre.

Also, can you send me a new tinfoil hat to protect me from the NSA or DHS or other ghestapo-esque anti-american pro-fascism domestic surveilance doughbaggery which will eventually go through all of our info in the cloud? Google Apps and Facebook are slowly stripping us of any semblance of privacy we previously held (disillusions of). Maybe some blunt force trauma to the head would suffice. Just enough so we can be good little consumers, and never ever question authority.

Thought police, anyone?

Merry Christmas, fellow sheep.


I don't really want anything this year. I have a good job, great friends, and outstanding debt that could be paid off with a single check (assuming the check comes from stabbing Martums in the eye with a pencil.)

OK, I want one thing.

Audit the Federal Reserve, and prosecute Bernanke, Geithner, and most of your elected leaders in Congress for their contributions to the biggest case of financial fraud the world has ever seen. Just get rid of those fucking assholes and let the chips fall as they may. I usually don't get all serious and shit, but this is one issue that needs to be addressed NOW, not next year, not next election, and not after the Chinese call in their Treasury notes. Right. Fucking. Now. You, yes YOU, get off your asses and do something about it. Educate yourselves. Write a letter. Make a call. Send an email.

That way, I don't have to and I can sleep in. KTHX. Let me know how it goes.

happy holidays. enjoy "staff postal - take five"

another year, another T.R.O.

Ashton Kutcher is a douchebag

worse than crack


p.s. he's still dead


technology... sucks

tweet twit twat

como esta

welcome to our world(s)

like a clown

new career

could have been better

a gift for all

oclet tp gp

needs sugar

pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name

will mow lawns for 0-day

he forgot about baby oil

fairy dust... and murder

sensory overload

that little one was like Joe Pesci with tits

we lost leron

wrong way dealing of with things

moron magnet

bend over and take it twice

THANKS... dick

when bitdefenders go bad

no blurry-blurry

one for the collection

god loves boobs

punters, kickers... foot up ass...

Strap-on Saturday!!

it always starts on CraigsList

no wiggle room

making it clear

what else needs to be said?

wtf, over?

sorry john (probably our fault)

HI (was re: i like spaghetti)

all gestapo on his SMTP ass

Captain Asspants (our hero!)

six years later... well, ok

and in other news... Michael Jackson is still dead.

donkeys in a jar

litmus test

marriage counseling = new career!

best laid plans...

um... yeah, he said it

redneck linebacker

wrong number

CO closure


epic fail

gimme a few, in wintergrasp killing alliance!

you think i'm funny? do i amuse you?


attrition cocktail

celebrity impersonations

419 redux

wrong number

... like last time?

it's not just us

because we like PEEK and POKE

we miss null (come back!)

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