Postal Installment #0018

ever hear of chinnuts?

john the toilet (cool people we meet)

um... yeah

know your customer

wild wild net

got google?


we like monkeys

network elves

all of them???

we miss munge (come back!)

bleeding like a mob hit

trivial pursuit

we don't care about apathy

shall we make a trade?

domo arigato major domo


but he digreses

coke fiends

is the bitch dead or not?

my name is glen (how many fingers?)

god meets logic

Happy Holidays - Welcome to Staff Postal

For only the fourth time ever, the staff and volunteers at reveal our "uber-intellect" and "inner workings" to you, our faithful readers. We sometimes discuss information security, world politics, and things that "really matter". Most of the time, we talk about ass sex, grilled cheese sammiches, and various ways to publicly humiliate our friends without incriminating ourselves. Before we proceed, a few words of holiday cheer from us:

Jericho: Dear Santa,

I should be on your naughty list and nice list both, that probably means you should give me at least one thing I want, right asshole?

1. The end of X-mas. This completely absurd season/holiday promoted by zealots and money hungry corporations that has taken on a life of its' own. Who gives a shit if Hallmark loses 20% and the most wasteful month of the year goes away. The perversion we call X-mas, entirely appropriate that we shorten 'christ' with an 'x', has nothing to do with religious celebration any more.

2. The end of politics. Anyone who *wants* to hold political office, should be disqualified. The word 'bipartisan' is a god damned insult to citizens as it is a constant reminder that our 'choice' is between two great evils. If you voted, but don't know who 'Barr', 'Baldwin' or 'McKinney' are and which party each represents, you better not have been one of those assholes who told me how important voting is.

3. The end of the computer security industry. Every company that offers 'defensive' solutions (e.g., firewalls, anti-virus, anti-spyware) should just up and quit, or sell themselves to Johnson & Johnson and merge into their 'Band-Aid' branding. Not only is your enitre business model reactionary, you have the reaction of a 90 year old blind leper. The bad guys are ahead of you.. way, way ahead.

4. The end of catering to the LCD. Television, music and movies all cater to the lowest common denominator intellectually. Those albums, movies and shows enjoyed by millions speak volumes about our society. Don't cater to the dumb, make them use their over-medicated minds to break out of the apathetic society-induced coma they live in.

5. The end of ego. You aren't the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the car you drive or the neighborhood you live in. You aren't your salary, your last name or the football team you cheer for. How matter how 'hard' or 'pimp' you think you are, it is a desperate front you show to dress up the rabid insecurity and shallowness you represent. Those who can't think, front.

- Jericho

p.s. If you don't grant me one thing on my list, I know you are a fraud and next year I write to Satan you fluffy pedophile.

Cancer Omega: Dear Santa,

I thought I made my Christmas wishes last year incredibly clear. Yet we still have "reality" TV ruling the airwaves and "Lost" is an even bigger suck-fest than before. And to make matters worse, we're going to have to suffer this horseshit in digital clarity starting February 19, 2009. GAH!

This means war. That's right, global warming is no side effect of coal or oil consumption (seriously...anyone who believes that crap ought to explain how the Ice Age ended a mere 10,000 years before the invention of the internal combustion engine). Nope, global warming is my own personal assault on your North Pole stronghold, fatboy. I figure another few decades and your fortress is toast...unless you comply with my demands.

So you'd best get busy, blubber-butt. You've been slacking all year and now it's crunch time. Get to work or so help me God...(*grumble*)

Oh, and here's a Christmas card for you. I'm sendin' 'em out to everyone.

Money's tight,
Times are hard.
Here's your fucking
Christmas card.

Mage (aka the attrition intern): What do I want for the End of Year Giftage? Ooooh, not too much this year:

1. An evening of kinky sex with Inara. Barring that, an evening of regular sex with Inara.

2. Free cranial debridements for a good majority of Sarah Palin supporters and those on the GOP far-right.

3. All-expense paid holidays in the Netherlands for certain members of the Washington Beltway elite -- your trip begins after being professionally whisked away from your comfy bed in the dead of the night for a nice, quiet nonstop flight on a semi-private jet to your own private suite at the five-star Hague Hilton.

4. Apple to quit forcing the i-Hype down everyone's throats. We like your computers, too.

However, a proper Attrition intern is taught from Day One that the holidays are not just about receiving, but about GIVING. Therefore, in the spirit of giving, I'd like to *give* a traditional Yuletide Battery Acid Enema to all those neo-con asshats who have destroyed much of our country's credibility and security over the past 8 years. Things may have been bad before you arrived, but y'all really sealed the deal in so many ways that it truly boggles the mind. Please mind the rubber tube hanging from your asses as you board the planes out of town on January 20th. I'll be toasting your departure with merry glee. Ho, ho, ho, bitches!

d2d: I want, no I _demand_ the following:

1 Car battery
1 Pair of Jumper Cables
3 Gallons of Vaseline
1 broom handle
3 Gallons of Rye
10 Pairs of Nitril industrial gloves
1 Horse bit
And a shit load of ibuprofen for the next morning.

Czarina: Dear Santa,

Thanks for our new President. Good look, but you ain't done Dog -- it's time for reparations -- I want my 40 acres and a mule!! Now, I want my 40 acres in Manhattan (not Harlem though). Don't bitch out and give me property in Palin Land. As far as a mule, I'm not trying to sell fertilizer, so just give me a pimped out Cadillac Escalade.

You better come correct this year, or I'm coming for that ass!!!


martums: Ah, Christmas. That ungodly time of year when we look around and think to ourselves, "Jesus, not this shit again." A time of joy and pain and bliss. Joy from staying beneath CO's radar. Pain from showing up on the radar. Bliss from the ignorance that I never left. The annual euphoric hallucination induced by maxing out one's credit cards to buy people shit they neither need nor want, so we can fail to support the tanking economy, and provide some semblance of justification to our empty, consumer-driven lies, er lives. Materialism and consumerism are the malignant tumors which spread and saturate every remaining good and healthy semblance of a season that once spurned joy and kindness, contributing to the now decimated fabric of human decency. Christmas isn't even an empty shell of what it once wasn't. Disillusion and an underlying contempt pervade every aspect of this alleged holiday. Here's hoping Madison Avenue takes it up the ass. Santa, you fat fuck, I hope you burn in hell. Happy Holidays, motherfuckers. Just kidding. Merry Xmas. Yeshua loves you.

Lyger: You know, we have a guy at work who likes to go around saying "smile, god loves you". Well, buddy, I prefer reincarnation, so you're coming back as a tree so my neighbor's dog can piss on your root.

Oh, wait... this is "holiday time" and not "lyger is an asshole time". Sawwy.

1. I want... peace and happiness for Asian hookers everywhere. Especially in my pants. With a discounted rate, please.

2. I want... a new drug, one that won't make me sick, one that won't make me crash my car or make me feel three feet thick.

3. I want... every person who goes to DataLossDB or OSVDB to CONTRIBUTE. Not just look at it, but ADD SOMETHING. HELP US GIVE VALUE. Spread the word. I'm the LAZIEST PERSON ON EARTH but I STILL DO IT.

But no, really, check them out, it's cool shit. For real.

happy holidays. enjoy "staff postal - take four"

happy holidays... Inotify watch removals suck violently

pencils and cocks

drinking games

the jury's out

revolutionizing support ticket technology

attrition jeopardy

the great cultural divide

gots the jitters

deze nutz

we have our priorities

if you don't get it, we won't explain

a puddle of cheese is a place i want to frolic

everyone out of the pool

everywhere there's signs

love, dee dee

a tribute to josh (#7 in a series)

when kiddies grow older

everyone stand back

dueling lyrics

the best things in life aren't free


see above

disappearing pencil trick

big adventure


cooking the books

malvu love

it's a zoo in here

enough with the shriber shit already

new wave stalking

should have called the cops anyway

something about douchebags

a four-way starring jericho

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