WASHINGTON, D.C., IS CITY THAT NEVER SWEEPS

- by Marshall Camp

Of all the cities covered in human excrement, Washington is among the best.

I recently had the pleasure of visiting Washington, D.C., "the city that never sweeps." Apparently, Washington was last cleaned during the Roosevelt administration. Since then, the roads of our nation's capital have become littered with old trash and human filth, such as Senator Strom Thurmond.

This occurs because Washington consists of three types of people:

1. Those who hold political office.
2. Those who want to hold political office.
3. Those who relieve themselves on public sidewalks.

In fact, based on a chemical analysis of the shoes I was wearing during the trip, it appears that any area of Washington not otherwise designated is considered a public restroom by the locals. This includes sidewalks, parks, federal property, and slow-moving tourists.

Actually, there is only one thing Washington has more of than filth: Starbucks. The 1994 Republican Congress brought to power a large number of very high-strung individuals. Consequently, the "Starbucks Proliferation Act" was passed, requiring the installation of Starbucks coffee shops along city streets at intervals of about seventeen inches. In fact, Washington has so many Starbucks that one could conceivably walk from the Capitol to the White House stepping on nothing but Mocha Frappacinos.

On the trip, we did see a number of the "historical monuments," which is pronounced "lines." The average line for a Washington attraction begins somewhere near Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and lasts roughly six years. In fact, many believe that most of our recent presidents campaigned for the White House just so they'd have somewhere to sleep while waiting in line.

However, we did get inside the Air and Space Museum, which is basically like a NASA storage shed with dirtier floors. Most of the exhibits are dubious at best, having probably been created by Smithsonian interns who take pleasure in misleading the Jerry Springer guests that make up the majority of Washington tourists. Take, for instance, the "journey to Mars" exhibit. One panel indicated that travel to Mars might be possible with a special nuclear engine that would eliminate the need for heavy solid rocket fuel. It actually said the only "drawback" to this promising technology is that, shortly after accelerating the ship, the nuclear engine would probably incinerate the craft and crew. This strikes me as being kind of like a doctor who says there's a new way to take out your tonsils without anaesthesia, and the only "drawback" is that your brain will be preserved in a pickle jar.

In fact, there are so many attractions in Washington, that many people choose to go on tours. One option is to recruit a local relative to show you around. This is effective, provided that you enjoy commentary such as "I'm pretty sure this is the place where that president, you know, the one with the beard, did that the thing, like a long time ago, with all those people and the speech and everything."

Another popular option is the paid tour. Unfortunately, quality can vary widely with price. Consider the following:

Free -- Watch the bum living outside Department of Agriculture as he exposes his "Washington Monument" to passersby.

$20 -- See the site where George Washington loosened his belt after a particularly large meal.

$2000 -- Visit the White House, have coffee with the president, and take a bubble bath with the Supreme Court justice of your choice.

However, this column should not be construed as discouraging a visit to Washington. I'm simply urging you to watch out for unscrupulous tour guides, long lines, ninety-six year old Senators and strange, slick spots on the sidewalks, especially when they're directly behind ninety-six year old Senators.

(C) 1998, Marshall Camp. All rights reserved.